We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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