atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
