The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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