In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The police scanner is talking about you again....
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
