The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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