There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
