Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
