Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
