She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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