im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
