I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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