as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
