what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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