I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
