Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
