i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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