Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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