you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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