Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need to sanitize my soul.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
