I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
