apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
