I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
