Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
dude. I can hear the air.
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