I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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