Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
