ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
