omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
