The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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