i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
