Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Watching her eat just hurts me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
