i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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