I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
