Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I need moral support for this bender
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
