i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
