I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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