Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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