at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
