Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
