youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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