We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
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I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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