Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
