I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
