she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
