Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
