Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
