He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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