the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
