Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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