If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
