i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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