i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
