the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
