I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
