I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
