I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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